– I always wondered why priests are called “fathers” and nuns “mothers” if they cannot have children… And the arrogance and mistreatment?
– Parents believe this story that they gave you life and act as if you belonged to them. I'm afraid to tell you that none of us was treated with respect. If they had been aware that we were not their right but their responsibility, they would have learned from us instead of inheriting their neurosis.
Now, you have to realize that all our psychological and emotional problems have to do with childhood. Any therapeutic work you carry out has the purpose of understanding, integrating and healing the wounds you suffered at that stage.
– But shouldn't we focus on the positive?
– That's what they all try, they put their parents on a pedestal where nothing reaches them and they ignore the anger they have towards them. This forgiveness that we grant them is false. A part of us is resentful of the mistreatment received and we only allow ourselves to show this hypocritical loyalty that comes from an imposed gratitude and we perpetuate emotional dependence on them with the hope that one day, a wonderful, miraculous day... they will see us, accept us. and love us.
– And that day never comes.
And what do you propose? What do we demand of them and reproach them for their faults?
– That is what a child would do and what most people do in a veiled and unconscious way.
I propose that, first of all, you lower them from the pedestal on which you have them and realize that they are just two human beings like any other, full of defects, weaknesses, fears and unmet needs. May you appreciate their care but also recognize their mistakes and the deep wounds they caused you. You have to realize that now that you're an adult, they don't know more about life than you do, so you have to make your own decisions.
Secondly, if you want to finally grow up, you will have to cut the umbilical cord that unites you to them and stop depending emotionally on their opinion, their presence, their approval or their consent.
You have to recognize that the fact that your parents were was a merely circumstantial condition that does not give them any power over you now. You need to stand on your own feet, overthrow them and sit yourself on the throne of the one who rules your life. Understand now that they will not give you what you are looking for because they cannot give it to you! and from this understanding act accordingly.
– Which in this case means…
– It means giving yourself the love, recognition and attention you need. It means becoming your own father and mother, giving yourself everything you lacked and this time treating yourself with love and respect.
Fromm said: “man has to give birth to himself”. Jesus Christ said, "Unless you hate your parents you cannot be my disciple." And in Zen it is said: "If (on your spiritual path) you find the Buddha, kill the Buddha, if you find your parents, kill them." They exaggerate, of course, to emphasize the urgent need to break the sick and immature attachment that binds us to our parents.
In many spiritual traditions of both East and West the initiate changes his name to mark the break with his nuclear family and begin the process of becoming a free individual.
– Isn't this selfish?
– Quite the contrary. It is finally freeing them from our demands and expectations. Retire them from the position that has taken too long, to finally be able to see them as they are and feel compassion. Start a relationship with them as equals, get to know them outside of the role of mom and dad to make contact. Sign a truce to finally be friends.
So remember:
A conscientious, free and mature Person does what is necessary to heal his childhood experiences and to break the emotional dependency with his parents.