When we have people around us, especially a spouse or close family member, the painbody seeks to provoke them so that it can feed on the drama that is sure to ensue. Painbodies love intimate relationships and families because it is through them that they get the most nourishment. It's hard to resist when another painbody is determined to provoke a reaction in us. It instinctively knows our most vulnerable points. If his first attempt is unsuccessful, he will try again and again. It is pure emotion on the hunt for more emotions. The other person's painbody wants to awaken ours so the two can feed each other.
Many relationships go through violent and destructive episodes mounted by the painbody at periodic intervals. A child experiences almost unbearable suffering when he is forced to witness the emotional violence of his parents' painbodies. However, that is the fate of millions of children around the world, the nightmare of their daily lives. It is also one of the ways of transmitting the painbody from generation to generation. After each episode, the parents reconcile and there is an interval of relative peace, as far as the ego allows.
Excessive alcohol consumption often activates the painbody, especially in men, but also in women. In a drunken state, the person undergoes a complete personality change as the painbody takes over. A deeply unconscious person whose painbody periodically replenishes itself through physical violence often directs that violence against their spouse or children. When he sobers up, his regret is great and genuine and he earnestly promises never to commit such acts of violence again. However, the person who speaks and promises is not the aggressor entity, so it is certain that he will fall back into that behavior again and again, unless he recognizes the body of pain that lives within him, chooses to be present and manage to stop identifying with that body of pain. In some cases it is possible to do so with the help of professional advice.
Most painbodies seek to both inflict suffering and be victims of it, but some are primarily victimizers or victims. In either case, they feed on violence, be it physical or emotional. Some couples who think they are in love are actually attracted to each other because their respective painbodies complement each other. Sometimes the roles of victim and perpetrator are clearly assigned from their first meeting. Some marriages, instead of being made in heaven, are made in hell.
Anyone who has owned a cat knows that, even while sleeping, the cat seems to know what is going on around it because at the slightest noise it directs its ears to where it came from and slightly opens its eyes. The pain bodies are the same. At a certain level they remain awake, ready to spring into action when the appropriate motive presents itself.
In intimate relationships, the pain bodies are shrewd enough to keep a low profile while life as a couple begins and hopefully after the contract is signed by virtue of which the commitment to live together for the rest of life is created. We do not marry a husband or a wife but also the two bodies of pain. It can be truly disconcerting to recognize, after a short time of living together or after the honeymoon, that one fine day our partner undergoes a radical change in personality. Uses a harsh or shrill tone of voice to accuse or blame us, or yells at us probably over a relatively trivial matter, or withdraws altogether. "What's wrong?" we asked. "Nothing," he replies. But the intensely hostile energy emanating from her seems to say, "Everything is wrong." When we look into her eyes, they no longer shine. It is as if a thick veil has been lowered and that being whom we know and love and who used to shine through your ego, is completely hidden. It is as if we were facing a perfect stranger in whose eyes we see hatred, hostility, bitterness or anger. When they speak to us, it is not the voice of our spouse or partner, but the painbody speaking through them. What they say is nothing more than the distorted version of reality that the painbody offers us, a reality completely distorted by fear, hostility, anger, and the desire to inflict and receive more pain.
In those moments we wonder if that is the true face of our partner, which we had not seen before, and if we made a serious mistake by choosing that person. It is clear that it is not her true face, but the body of pain that has temporarily taken possession of her. It would be difficult to find a partner who does not carry a pain-body, but perhaps it would be wise to choose someone whose pain-body is not so dense.
(A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle)